No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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