My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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