I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
