I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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