me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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