Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
