Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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