After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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