I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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