I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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