hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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