please come you make the beer taste better
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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