and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
