At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
