My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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