my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Barsexuality is the new black.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
