if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
