I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
