He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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