The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
