Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
