I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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