all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
