it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
