I just cut my nipple shaving
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
