btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
it was like eating out sand paper
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
