This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
