My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
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he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
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I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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