I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
