New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i would punch a child for taco bell
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
