You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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