why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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