wanna go halves on a baby?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
