I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
