i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
