He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
