My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Do vagina's smell?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
