Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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