My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
