i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
