I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
