I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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