Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
