Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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