Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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