Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
thus making me awesome and them whores
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
