the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
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