good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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