i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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