Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize