so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
honey bunches of taint.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
