You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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