what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
