my phone needs a breathalizer
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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