I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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