Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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