"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i believe in u and ur pee
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
