dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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