i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
