I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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