I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
