I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
