Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
