The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
