I just pynch a tree in the face
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
